Tuesday, June 10, 2008
lonely zombie: all soft, cuddly and my bff
note: refer to my february blog entry lonely zombie: valentine to all
for those in the know, i made a comic strip called "lonely zombie" and i also (see above) hand made lonely zombie dolls, complete with stitches, stitched heart, empty souless eyes, chubby cheeks and when you lead him by the hand, he walks with a gimp.
anyhow, he sits in my office. quiet. patiently awaiting for his next issue. i mean i have people email me about the anticipation of more lonely zombie and i totally love that, but i come home and see him, THE lonely zombie, sitting and waiting. it is more than a girl can bear!
i was going to make lonely zombie dolls and give them out to my friends for valentines day, but decided that i like having just one zombie doll. he is special like that.
i used to tell people that everyone is a lonely zombie. we all walk around life sometimes aimlessly and just feeding. anyhow, today i got to thinking. sitting here in this heat wave, i sat on my sofa cuddled with lonely zombie and i began to think. i know, what a horrible thing! :)
i began to think about if i ever fed on someone. not in the cannibal sense, but in the sense, did i ever just drain someone mentally? emotionally?
my friends here will tell you that i am too nice. to the point where i will feel bad just so the other person doesn't. it is some weird complex. i'm no super hero, but i would rather be sad than see the ones i care and love be sad. anyhow, i came across some of my past journals and letters at my parents house. my mom doesn't throw anything away. she keeps all my letters and birthday cards people send me. i on the other hand, throw everything away. complete opposite.
i think i don't like keeping the memories. although some are good, most remind me things that fell apart, mistakes, bad choices in people.
when i was living in boston, there were times when i felt really alone. i know everyone feels that way at some point. i was in boston. far from my family. i had good friends. a close knit group. i was best friends with the queen scenster. i knew all the emo mod kids. from the outside, it was great. but, in the inside, i was all doubts. i remember balancing school, work, and having a social life. my love life in boston was up and down. when it was up it was really up, but it was the downs that made me super sad and made me retreat to inking my comics. i guess i felt i never need to keep any cards or letters, i document my life on bristol board.
i am rambling i know. i apologize. there is a wicked thunder storm occurring right now. it is freaking me out. i am sitting in my bed in the dark and thunder is echoing so close. my heart is pounding and i am just waiting for the storm to pass.
i used to be really good friends with a person who i will call jake. anyhow, he was one of those theater freaks who believed in cathulu (he had a stuffed cathulu, and i picked it up and by accident ripped off one of cathulu's tenticles. oops. despite that mishap, jake still thought i was the tops). jake was odd. i mean not odd like old man who collects stuffed antlers and pipes, i mean odd. even the oddballs would stray away from him. he would climb walls, meditate and sneak ninja walk up on people. anyhow, he saw me in some freak common ground connection. jake was one of those nice guys. but, i was the girl who never dated anyone in high school and just didn't, couldn't be tied down in a relationship. i was working on paintings. i was meeting new people and new guys. guys who i thought were "cooler" than jake. i distanted myself from jake. i was cold. our laughfests and long talks evaporated into cold hellos and annoyance. jake hadn't changed, but i did. what happened? why was i being so mean?
fast forward. boston. jake is in maryland. we would email and chat on the phone. he is not one for phone calls. but then again, most guys are not phone talkers. i remember i emailed him and i was all tears, i told him i felt like a mistake. i made mistakes. i was just a mistake. jake wrote me and told me that whoever thought of me would want to take credit and that i was not a mistake. he was so supportive and nice. too bad i just didn't love him. i was not in love with him, but he loved me and one day, years later, he realized that he couldn't be with me and it was never going to be. i was selfish. i fed on him. i liked having a close confidente who knew the right things to say and who thought i could do no wrong. what i failed to realize was that jake wanted that too....from me. i hope jake found that. he deserves it.
so this blog is dedicated to jake and to my lonely zombie. i hope that all the "jakes" out there realize that you all need to find girls who will love you back. in the meantime, just cuddle up with a zombie until the storm passes over.