Wednesday, May 8, 2013

when goodbye gifts become gone gifts



it has been a long time since i have blogged and for that my dear readers, i apologize. i promise to blog more often as i do miss it.

anyhow, my best friend and her husband recently moved from philly to the land of blondes and spray tans, yes, you guessed it, LA.  even though in philly, they lived 15 minutes from me, i had the comfort of knowing that they were there. right in the city.  i could text or call my bff and she would come over to do crafts, draw and watch korean horror movies while munching on dried seaweed. now, yes, we could still do that, but one of us would need to jump on an aeroplane and after a 6 hour flight, the craft night horrorfest would be a go! totally not the same.

even with skype, IM, chats, texts, emails, instagram, etc. these are all poor substitutes for a bff. i know a lot of people in philly, but i only hang out with a few people, mostly because i hate crowds and i think i am a bit quirky that not everyone can relate to me. but my bff gets me. she understands that i would rather stay in on a friday night and sketch and doodle while watching a marathon of firefly than sitting at a bar where i can't hear anything but limp bizkit blaring. ew.

when my bff told me she was moving, i think i was in a bit of denial. LA sucks. LA has freeways. who bikes in LA?! why is everyone so tall in LA?! LA is not philly. i remember she told me she was moving at my birthday dinner. it didnt seem real. as the month of may got closer and closer, it sunk in that this was real. granted, i have had friends move and i have moved, but it never gets easier. my other bff (who is the twin sister of my bff moving. i know confusing right? just try to follow along) arranged to have a going away party. it was at the house of a girl who i didnt really know. anxiety hit for me. awkward to show up to a party at the home of someone you dont know. the night of the party, i showed up with my friends marshall and brendan. they were posse for the night. i bought mini cupcakes for the party. we showed up early. after a few hours, my bff and her hubby showed up. which was a relief to me since i had spent the night just eating grilled chicken and asparagus as i believe my chit chat was not cool enough for some.

i got to chat with my bff for a bit and as i left she assured me we would meet up before she was leaving, which was in 4 days. i didnt say gbye then since it wasnt time. instead, i gave big hugs and said let me know when we are brunching since i have a gift for you.

people who know me know that i do drawings. i do monster drawings. i do doodles. i worked on a ink and pencil drawing for my bff. i went and got a frame for it. i spent time thinking about it and what i should draw. it is an arduous process, but once i am done, i am proud to give the drawing away.

the days went by and nothing. when i did get a text to meet up, it was while i was working and across town. oh phooey. i stared at my drawing that i had done. i felt sad that i didnt get to say goodbye. i got cheated out of that. now as i look at my goodbye gift i feel foolish. goodbye gift? they already have moved away. i remember texting her that i needed her LA addy so i could mail the gift. my cute goodbye gift is now a "youre gone" gift. it doesnt sound as pleasant. well, neither sound pleasant, but good thing drawings dont expire. they keep real well. i just hope so does my friendship. i hope it doesnt expire. :(

send me hugs. i miss my bff.

xo, pearly

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

in touch

for the past few months, i have had several friends from college reach out to me. calling me at work. emailing me. etc. one was an ex boyfriend: the first boy to break my heart.  another was a best friend who professed his love to me senior year and i did not feel the same way and i was in a relationship.  the third was a friend who had a crush on me.  fourth was my first boyfriend in college. lastly, an aquaintance from college who basically emailed me how much of a joke college was.

it was a surprise to hear from all of them.  my memories of each all differ. some are more vivid. some are blurry. some are sweet. some are sad. some are both.  it is kind of nice to hear from someone from your past who knew you when you didn't know anything, but thought you could conquer the world. that was/is me. 

i am more comfortable in my own skin now. college was just like high school, except it cost more.  as each person from my past called or emailed me, i was brought back to those college days. all of us staying up all night talking, goofing off, the newness of our friendships. it was an exhilerating time.  first, my friend who professed his love to me senior year, called me at work. he sounded the same and still had his great laugh. he called to apologize for being a dick to me. i replied, i don't think you were. he said, i was. i was angry that you didnt love me back and wanted to stay with your boyfriend at the time. i paused. it is easier to break up a couple in the movies than it is in real life.  true. true. we chatted for over an hour. both of us in happy points in our lives. we made plans to keep in touch. whether or not this happens, not sure, but it was nice while it lasted. he knew me when i would stay late at the art studio listening to beastie boys and pharcyde and be covered in paint. he knew me when i cried when my crush told me he thought of me as a little sister. he knew me when we sit on my porch, he would smoke and we would listen to music. he knew me when i didnt curse and wore silver pants and plaid doc martens. he knew me when i was still trying to figure out me.

i heard from my first boyfriend. the boyfriend who i broke his heart. the funny thing about breakups is that no one really walks away without any scars. but, in time, everything and everyone does heal. he is in a good spot and holds nothing against me. it is ironic since i broke up with him to be with the ex who broke my heart. it all comes full circle, right? all of us havent held any grudges or anything. but, it was nice to get an apology. neither of my exes were bad people, we were just not right together. it is funny how these past friends get my quirks and only they would understand the inside jokes we had in college.

we all impact people, friends, etc. in some small and sometimes in a big way. as i received all these contacts and each explained how i impacted their life, i was touched. i never knew i had such an impact. i would be lying if i said it didnt feel good to hear that i have and still am the same pearly.

change is good, yes. but i aint broken, so why bother fixing? :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

misseable and forgettable

i lead a crazy life. ok, not so crazy, but i am busy with just life itself. i am human. i forget to stay in touch with friends. i am bad that way. i tend to keep in touch with friends further away than the ones who live right here in philly. i do text friends to see what is going on. sometimes i get response. sometimes i dont. sometimes i wonder if my texts go to cyberspace black hole of some sort.

my question is this, dear bloggers, how can people claim to miss you, yet forget to get in touch with you. can one be missed and forgotten at the same time? i think so.

again, we are all guilty of this. but i think we all have to admit, it is nice to be missed by good friends. it is even better when we don't forget why we are good friends.

xo

Thursday, February 10, 2011

do cheaters ever change?

why are all your comics so sad? me: they' aren't. they have a lot of breakups and heartbreaks. me: but, it isn't sad. just shows it wasn't meant to be.

i used to have issues and i am not referring to comics. :) as far as i can remember, a vast majority of my past boyfriends have all cheated on me. sometimes i knew, but most of the time, i didn't.

the worse feeling i remember was thinking ok, he cheated on me. then seeing who they cheated with and realizing it wasn't just one, but a queue. for awhile, i thought all guys cheat and if they didn't, they thought about it. for awhile, i thought something was wrong with me. i needed to change. i should do this or less of that, etc. having a guy make me feel insecure when i was already so uncertain of myself made me so timid and frustrated. i remember crying in my room and listing things wrong with myself. i remember thinking how each of these ex boyfriends found some way to put it on me as if it was my fault they cheated. the funny thing is, not one of these exs admitted to cheating on me. it was always through a friend or me walking in on them cheating or the next flavor of the month telling me. i think i would have at least respected them a bit if they just fessed up. but none did.

at the time, my heart felt as if it would never heal. it did and i am happy with love and have a valentine, but for everyone out there who doesn't, realize that not all boys are evil or clueless. i don't want anyone to feel sad on valentines day because it is a lame holiday. don't mope and think of your breakups, heartbreaks, etc. instead, know that it really is their loss. i never believed it when friends told me that, but it is true. and know that those ex boyfriends will realize it and are kicking themselves to know they messed up.

and with that, i wanna say no one cares about valentines day, but we all do care about love. i will and still remain in love with love. cheesy as it is. but, i am no proponent of pink and red. ew. who thought of that colour combo?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

breaking up friendships

i tweeted a bit ago how i think it is wierd how we "break up" with friends. you can fall out of friendship with someone. i understand we all can through transitions and major event changes, but we all remain friends, and close friends with some people. i can count on one hand my steady crew. i have gone through events and changes and these 5 people all remain in my life and they are integral.

when you have snow days, you begin to think about stuff.

there are people i have known for ages who know me no better than my co workers and there are some people who i haven't know as long, speaking time wise, who get me. quality over quantity. simple math, i get it, i know.

i know that sometimes i am the one who breaks the friendship and other times it just is a mutual fade out or it is the other party who breaks it.

for example, i believe any of my friends who move from philly to nyc will no doubt be engulfed in the i need to be the coolest person in nyc so i need to diss philly attitude and we will lose touch. it is strange since nyc is only 2 hours away from philly, but might as well be guam.

i also think just because you have known someone for a long time, doesn't mean you are good friends. it also doesn't establish a friendship.

the best thing is not having or avoiding the break up and just having the friendship mutually fade out. sometimes distance, lack of common ground or you just realize hey this person is an idiot, all point to break up.

i think i am a good friend, but as of late, i have been breaking up with friends it seems. perhaps i am not as good a friend as i think i am.
if i ask my friends, they will tell you i rock. if you ask my ex friends, they may say that or say pearl who? or grunt disapproval. i feel like i haven't changed as a person. lots of things have happened to me, but i am still me. i don't go out looking for new friends, i'll just stick with the good ones i have.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

holiday run ins


holidays bring back people. you go to parties. you go to dinners. all these events for me mean i will eventually run into people from my high school. i hated my high school. if mean were a student, he would have been at my school.

i purposefully did not go to a college where most of these mean people would go, ie. duke, villanova, pennstate, etc. yet, even in philly, i run into these people.

holidays means people are home visiting and encounters are inevitable.

fact: if i did not like you in high school, i probably won't like you now.

fact: if you bullied me in high school, i definitely don't like you and won't like you.

fact: if you told people we dated in high school, you are a liar since i wasn't allowed to date anyone until college. so stop telling people we dated. you know who you all are.

fact: just because you knew one of my good friends from high school does not make us good friends.

fact: i do not want to talk about what the old gang is up to because i didn't have a gang in high school. i hung out with 5 people and no, you were not part of that 5.

it is odd to me that people wanna talk about their glory days. their glory days involved being mean to people, bullying people. these are your glory days? what a sad life you have. why would i want to reconnect with these people?! these are the people i escaped from. granted, being in this school motivated me to study harder so i could escape earlier.

i know, i know. sometimes people change. but, i don't think that is always so. just because you recognize me and wanna give me a summary of everything that has happened in your life since graduation does not mean you have changed. it may mean you are stuck in high school mode.

i don't mean to sound harsh, dear readers. but, i cannot stand there with a smile and pretend that these people matter to me. they didn't then and they don't know. philly is a village and i understand it is inevitable that i run into former alums. fortunately, my real life is awesome and i don't need to talk about homecoming games and proms. real life is better than high school cliques, dances, and crushes. it just is. and that is my last fact.

xo

Thursday, December 16, 2010

the trouble with my eyes


i don't get called four eyes, i get called worse things. last week, as i was walking in rittenhouse square (for you nonphilly folks, it is a big shopping district with tourists, townies, the like all wearing too much makeup and with lots of tiny yippy dogs) around lunchtime. i often take walks by myself at lunch to think. i had on my ipod and my winter urban eskimo gear on, ie. hat, scarf, mittens, etc. i was walking on the sidewalk and i wasn't nor do i take up a lot of room. walking my quick pace. being in a city, everyone is in a rush or seems to be. as i continue my thinking and my walking, an older gentleman is heading towards me and as we pass each other, he shoulders me. hard. strange, i thought since we were the only 2 on the sidewalk. as he shouldered me, he says to me, "nice eyes, GOOK!" i was shocked. my reaction? i turn around and say to the pushy man, "excuse me, can you clarify?" now, why did i ask him this? first, it was noisy out and i had my ipod on, perhaps i heard incorrectly? second, wasn't sure if he was complimenting me and the insulting me, (later i realized he didn't say, "you have beautiful eyes, gook" and yes, the use of the word gook does negate any positive comment intended). he turns and says it again clearly and i did not hear wrong.

people amaze me. here is a man, so proud in his racism that he repeats it to me. yes, i did ask him to clarify, but he must have been shocked that i spoke english. his thought bubble, "oh sh*t, she understands english!"