Tuesday, May 18, 2010

things about me

awhile ago, i listed thing i do that make me an oddity. see post title "staring contest with my coffee." consider this post sort of a sequel.

things people don't know about me:

i have freckles on my nose, but you have to lean in to see them. i don't cover them up and like being a little asian girl with a scattering of freckles.

i have a scar on my neck. i tell people it was from a knife fight in chinatown, but that isn't the real reason...or is it?!

i forget that i have a tattoo. i got my tattoo at a biker bar in baltimore. they had dentist chairs set up and wyett earp was playing on the television as the needle went in me. also, when getting a tattoo on one's back, there is no need to remove one's pants. the tattoo guy tried to tell me differently. nice try. pants stay on! ridiculous.

i roll my eyes a lot in response to people. i do this even when i am on the phone, responding to emails, etc. i don't know why i do this since i don't do this in person.

raisins freak me out. they are little and wrinkly and just give me the creeps.

i still get nightmares from watching horror movies.

i'm known as the "nice" one among my circle of friends. although i don't think i am always that nice. perhaps my friends are just really mean?!

i still write fan mail to artists and writers that i adore. my first fan letter was to william shatner.

when i was little, i hated my nose and tried to pinch it everyday so it wouldn't look so "asian."

my ears are really small.

upon graduating law school, i had to take out all my piercings. anyways, nobody wants a lawyer in tats and piercings, right? haha. law school was fun. haha. i also sported red hair, purple and blonde. i have long accepted my black hair is fine just the way it is. :)

while in lawschool, was approached by 2 model scouts, who told me i would be better as a model than a lawyer. way to encourage huh?

i can't stand the taste of tequila.

i prefer white wine over red.

the way to get on my good side is through mini black and white cookies. truth.

when i go to a restaurant, i always look at the dessert section first. this determines if i want to stay for dinner. dessert is what i look forward to. it's like the prize at the end of the maze. no prize? no pearly at your restaurant.

i have never asked a guy out.

when i was little, i picked dandelions and was made fun of by people who told me it was a weed and not a flower. i like dandelions and think a handful of dandelions is still pretty.

the smell of pho makes me cringe. the traditional beef pho that is.

i'll see an action or horror flick over a romantic comedy any day.

i still use a bookmark when reading. my bookmark has a picture of an owl.

i carry bandaids with me because i am accident prone.

my family and i never took any family vacations/trips together when i was younger because we couldn't afford it. instead, my sister and i would create adventures in our living room and my parents would rent kung fus and we would watch them and act out fight scenes.

when i was in high school, i wrote a play.

when i was in high school, my monthly comic strip was banned by the parents association and the asian american club.

i tend to call people dude way too much.

i practice scowling.

my sister's nickname for me is ghostie.

i hate social climbers.

i eat indian food and korean food more than once a week.

i love to dance, but for the life cannot dance to hip hop or rap music, yet i am happy as a clam listening to wu tang in my office.

i can't make jello.

i still have the tapes of all the bands i used to play in.

secretly, i want hulk slippers.

i clip coupons.

my friends and i tend to wave hello/goodbye with both hands.

certain songs remind me of certain people, situations and moods.

certain cities remind me of certain people, situations, and moods.

i am surprised when people comment on my blog/thoughts.

my girls and i wrote and recorded a rap song.

i made "i heart pearl" shirts in boston and gave them to my friends and boys.

i always wear perfume.

when i am with my friends, i feel like we are invincible and can conquer this dirty city we call home.

i have never been mad at any of my best friends.

i am really into fonts.

i'm left handed.

i think tomato and toast and gus and sailor are cute nicknames for people.

i know the entire rap song X gonna give it to ya by DMX.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

breaking pieces

part korean. part alaskan. one of my closest friends in college was that. to me, he was this handsome boy. tall and athletic. he did crew. he skateboarded. he was ana amzing artist and he knew music and he could make me laugh. he would come visit me and around campus give me piggyback rides and stop by to say hi. he would sit with me at breakfast. to me, he was so cool. the epitome of laidback confidence. his art made me speechless and i couldn't believe he was friends with me! little. dorky me. girls all had crushes on him and he didn't seem to even pay any attention to them when we hung out. i didn't think he knew i had a crush on him, but my friends told me that he knew, which made what happened next even more crushing.

i remember the day vividly. i was sitting in my dorm room. i was reading over some art history notes. "He" stopped by to listen to music. we sat on my bed next to the window which overlooked the courtyard. people were playing hacy sack in the courtyard. music was blaring. typical college stuff. i was cracking jokes and we were talking. he paused and looked at me and said, "you know you are really adorable." i just stopped talking. i was shocked. he then continued on talking about how he broke up with his girlfriend, who by the way was gorgeous. i sat and listened, but my heart was racing. i tried to listen, but all i could think was, i should tell him i feel, but i couldn't. common sense and my head stopped me. we talked for awhile more and he told me he had to leave to talk/resolve things with his ex and perhaps play basketball. which he often did. what a guy. i smiled and when he told me he would be back later to hang out, i was giddy.

trying to concentrate on art history was insanely impossible. how could i concentrate on kandinsky when this boy who i liked may like me? when he returned, he looked different. i remember that mazzy star was playing. we both love hope sandoval's voice. her voice played in the background. he didn't sit down. he shut the door. he told me that he was back with his girlfriend and just had sex with her. at that moment, i think my heart dropped. dropped onto the linoleum floor and shatter. i didn't say anything. he didn't either. then he said, "i think you are great. you really are pretty. you're...you're like my little sister." there. he said it. the bullet was shot. my ears burned. i just stood there like an idiot. he then ruffled my hair and said he would see me later with another friend of ours. the whole time, i didn't say anything. only hope's voice echoed.

after that, i couldn't look at him. i couldn't hang out with him. i felt like i was good enough. i felt since i wasn't pretty enough. but it isn't his fault. he didn't know how i felt. i am sure i probably looked like some retarded school girl who would visit him at his art studio, who made him mixtapes. the clues were there.

i remember crying to my friend becky. she was friends with him as well. my whole solace in this was that he didn't know i liked him. she didn't look at me. she averted my gaze. he didn't know right? she looked at me. "everyone knew. we all knew."

we never kept in touch after he graduated. who knows he may be back in alaska. he may be in DC or LA or NY. i don't know.

i do know that when a boy who you have known for a long time calls you pretty, it's the kiss of death.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

no longer the girl in the photo

i've never really fit in with any crowd. it used to bother me, but i have outgrown that. i put myself in situations where i know i won't ever fit in. i graduated with an art degree and i went to law school. surely, i knew i would not like anyone in law school, and i was correct on that.

that photo was taken when i moved here from boston. i remember that girl. a young associate. man, i love that belt buckle. too bad, i can't rock the frampton buckle at work. anyways, i look at the photo and think, i may look the same, somewhat, but i'm a bit more street smart.

becoming a lawyer automatically put me into this premade crowd/scene. it is the scene with old men with old money who are stuck in their old ways. here are some of the things said to me as a fellow attorney:

1) i miss the days when women would get you coffee. women still get coffee right?
2) i've never been to china. are you from china? is vietnam near china?
3) your english is very good
4) you're very pretty...for a lawyer.
5) you don't really work, you just smile and giggle right?
6) do you only date asians?
7) i can't believe you beat me in court.
8) do you need a mentor?
9) wait, you're not the court reporter?
10) when did you graduate law school?

yes. this list is both sad and funny.

i was thinking as i waited in court with other cocounsel and opposing counsel, how it is all a game. you put peope who are uber competitive in a room and force them to work things out. it can be both entertaining and explosive. all in all, always entertaining, at least to me. as we waited for 4 hours, me standing the whole time in heels mind you. i would stand my ground on issues, soften the blow with a smile, participate in chit chat, have the other attorneys comment if they were only 30 years younger ( i know. ew). it's a game. people puffing their ego. egos getting shattered. people here want to feel relevant and not obsolete. they look at me and don't see me as an opponent. they don't see me as colleague. they certainly don't see me as their daughter. they see me and think how their time is passing. it's a harsh reality to be cognizant of one's relevance.

this crowd which i am now part of has been nothing but nice to me, overly, sickeningly sweet to me. being cute allows me to perhaps hold the panel or court's attention longer, but it's my litigation skills that gives me the wins.

it's funny how so many business cards are exchanged with my colleagues and the usual, "we should do lunch" invite gets thrown. nobody ever collects on these lunches. i should. everybody likes a free lunch! except with this crowd, it seems nothing is ever, ever, free.