Wednesday, May 12, 2010

breaking pieces

part korean. part alaskan. one of my closest friends in college was that. to me, he was this handsome boy. tall and athletic. he did crew. he skateboarded. he was ana amzing artist and he knew music and he could make me laugh. he would come visit me and around campus give me piggyback rides and stop by to say hi. he would sit with me at breakfast. to me, he was so cool. the epitome of laidback confidence. his art made me speechless and i couldn't believe he was friends with me! little. dorky me. girls all had crushes on him and he didn't seem to even pay any attention to them when we hung out. i didn't think he knew i had a crush on him, but my friends told me that he knew, which made what happened next even more crushing.

i remember the day vividly. i was sitting in my dorm room. i was reading over some art history notes. "He" stopped by to listen to music. we sat on my bed next to the window which overlooked the courtyard. people were playing hacy sack in the courtyard. music was blaring. typical college stuff. i was cracking jokes and we were talking. he paused and looked at me and said, "you know you are really adorable." i just stopped talking. i was shocked. he then continued on talking about how he broke up with his girlfriend, who by the way was gorgeous. i sat and listened, but my heart was racing. i tried to listen, but all i could think was, i should tell him i feel, but i couldn't. common sense and my head stopped me. we talked for awhile more and he told me he had to leave to talk/resolve things with his ex and perhaps play basketball. which he often did. what a guy. i smiled and when he told me he would be back later to hang out, i was giddy.

trying to concentrate on art history was insanely impossible. how could i concentrate on kandinsky when this boy who i liked may like me? when he returned, he looked different. i remember that mazzy star was playing. we both love hope sandoval's voice. her voice played in the background. he didn't sit down. he shut the door. he told me that he was back with his girlfriend and just had sex with her. at that moment, i think my heart dropped. dropped onto the linoleum floor and shatter. i didn't say anything. he didn't either. then he said, "i think you are great. you really are pretty. you''re like my little sister." there. he said it. the bullet was shot. my ears burned. i just stood there like an idiot. he then ruffled my hair and said he would see me later with another friend of ours. the whole time, i didn't say anything. only hope's voice echoed.

after that, i couldn't look at him. i couldn't hang out with him. i felt like i was good enough. i felt since i wasn't pretty enough. but it isn't his fault. he didn't know how i felt. i am sure i probably looked like some retarded school girl who would visit him at his art studio, who made him mixtapes. the clues were there.

i remember crying to my friend becky. she was friends with him as well. my whole solace in this was that he didn't know i liked him. she didn't look at me. she averted my gaze. he didn't know right? she looked at me. "everyone knew. we all knew."

we never kept in touch after he graduated. who knows he may be back in alaska. he may be in DC or LA or NY. i don't know.

i do know that when a boy who you have known for a long time calls you pretty, it's the kiss of death.


big O said...

real sweet-sour story. growing pains they call it yeah?

Mr.Executive said...

I enjoyed you're well placed words in an odd arrangement of diffrent feelings and scattered fragments and sadly shattered possibilities but someday will unveil a happier caper to reval in.
Great writing I will continue to read you're blog.

Mr.Executive said...

Beautifuly written..

C. said...

I enjoyed reading your blog it reminds me of some stories of my own.

Your story reminds me of this girl I was friends with. She became my best friend and we would hang out all the time, between classes, during the weekend, library, dinner, get the idea.
After about a month, I realized I had a huge crush on her. We liked a lot of the same things, always had something to talk about, in my head she was great.
I built up the courage to ask her to be my date to a formal dance she said she had to study. I though ok no big deal, midterms are coming up I'll try again later.

I waited a couple weeks before making another attempt.
This time she said no and the next day, she did not sitting with me in class. We had 3 classes together. Our friendship died, and it became super awkward to see her around campus.

Being put into the friendzone sucks. Hahah

Maybe I'll make a blog of my awkward and uncomfortable situations.