Friday, April 18, 2008

naked homeless dude

one of my favorite thing to do on my lunch break is to go to the comic book store, buy an issue and sit and read it in the park. often i will buy my lunch and just sit on a bench and read and people watch. mostly, i am reading. rittenhouse park is nice, a bir crowded, but i am little. i can squeeze onto a bench.

this past week as i sat eating my lunch reading swamp thing. yes, i am obsessed with alan moore. honestly, i would elope with him. but, only if he kept his beard. i think if you cut his beard, similar to samsom, you would be control the horror comic book world. i know, i know. with great power comes great responsibility. blea blea blea. anyhow, where was i? oh reading in the park. the day was a bit windy, but i was reading and eating my sandwich, happy to be out of the office. you ever realize how cliquey offices are? i mean i love all the people i work with, but most of them live near each other and go to ball games together, hang out on the weekends together, so they are all tight. i am kind of this dorky cog that doesn't fit into the machine. i need friends at work. my friends are avitars are pixelated. damn me being a gamer. poo,

hence, this is why i eat by myself in the park. lonely cog.

this particular day i was reading and i looked up to see a bum sit down on the bench across from me. he is sitting there. mumbling. but i pay him no mind. he has every right to enjoy this pretty day. i read about 2 more pages, when i glance up to find this bum shirtless. okkk. it isn't that hot out dude. how does a dude just decide to take his shirt off in the park? i roll my eyes and continue reading. now i look up again. i know. i am sooo asking for it right? now, the bum has his pants off. sitting in his boxers. i think to myself, well, at least he is wearing boxers, not a speedo or briefs. i continue to read. then i feel a shudder. the wind? i look up. no, it was like my innate creepy alert going off. yes boys, us girls have them built into our bodies. genetic code. double helix and crap. i look up and the bum has a wide grin and he is pulling his boxers off. i jump up from my bench and walk away. an unwanted peep show!

i walk a few feet and debated if i should give him money to keep his clothes on!

for some reason, i encounter odd bums.

last year, as i was walking to city hall, i saw two crazy things:

1) a homeless man almost stark naked who wrapped himself in seran wrap/plastic wrap, like a mummy. i have no idea why, but there he was in some mummy suit on market street. no one bats an eye. hello?! naked dude in plastic wrap!? come on, are we so jaded in philly?

2) walking back from city hall another day, i saw some dude pull his trousers down and drop a deuce in love park. yeah, lovely. it was like 2pm in the afternoon and he decides to release the chocolate hostages in broad delight in the park. it is one thing to avoid doggie poo when you are walking in this city, but now beware of human poo.

i totally need to summer somewhere. other than philly.

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