no longer the girl in the photo

i've never really fit in with any crowd. it used to bother me, but i have outgrown that. i put myself in situations where i know i won't ever fit in. i graduated with an art degree and i went to law school. surely, i knew i would not like anyone in law school, and i was correct on that.

that photo was taken when i moved here from boston. i remember that girl. a young associate. man, i love that belt buckle. too bad, i can't rock the frampton buckle at work. anyways, i look at the photo and think, i may look the same, somewhat, but i'm a bit more street smart.

becoming a lawyer automatically put me into this premade crowd/scene. it is the scene with old men with old money who are stuck in their old ways. here are some of the things said to me as a fellow attorney:

1) i miss the days when women would get you coffee. women still get coffee right?
2) i've never been to china. are you from china? is vietnam near china?
3) your english is very good
4) you're very pretty...for a lawyer.
5) you don't really work, you just smile and giggle right?
6) do you only date asians?
7) i can't believe you beat me in court.
8) do you need a mentor?
9) wait, you're not the court reporter?
10) when did you graduate law school?

yes. this list is both sad and funny.

i was thinking as i waited in court with other cocounsel and opposing counsel, how it is all a game. you put peope who are uber competitive in a room and force them to work things out. it can be both entertaining and explosive. all in all, always entertaining, at least to me. as we waited for 4 hours, me standing the whole time in heels mind you. i would stand my ground on issues, soften the blow with a smile, participate in chit chat, have the other attorneys comment if they were only 30 years younger ( i know. ew). it's a game. people puffing their ego. egos getting shattered. people here want to feel relevant and not obsolete. they look at me and don't see me as an opponent. they don't see me as colleague. they certainly don't see me as their daughter. they see me and think how their time is passing. it's a harsh reality to be cognizant of one's relevance.

this crowd which i am now part of has been nothing but nice to me, overly, sickeningly sweet to me. being cute allows me to perhaps hold the panel or court's attention longer, but it's my litigation skills that gives me the wins.

it's funny how so many business cards are exchanged with my colleagues and the usual, "we should do lunch" invite gets thrown. nobody ever collects on these lunches. i should. everybody likes a free lunch! except with this crowd, it seems nothing is ever, ever, free.