Monday, December 28, 2009

deep thoughts

as you all know, if you keep up, i draw comics depicting breakups, heartaches, but it seems, never love. perhaps depicting true love in a comic is hard. perhaps it is easier to draw from heartache and sadness. for me, it is easier to share my broken heart to everyone since everyone has had their heart broken. this isn't as personal to me as falling in love since not everyone gets the opportunity to fall in love. or perhaps i have more stories to share about heartache than i do love, who knows.

awhile back, i wrote about how i used to date this guy jake. a long time ago. he did nothing wrong. i just "fell" out of love with him. then, i wasn't even sure if i even loved him. horrible, i know. we tried to stay friends, but it didn't work. he couldn't handle being friends with me. he would drive 3 hours to meet me for coffee and i would babble about my career and who i was seeing, not seeing how his face drop and how heart would break. i was obtuse. i guess i felt as if my happy chatter would block out the sound of his ripping heart. all in all, our close friendship ended. abruptly. he just simply one day called me to let me know that he was not going to be in my life. i joked back since i could not believe him. what?! we have been friends for years. how could he say this? how could he mean this? not once thinking about how he must have felt for the past 10 years.

my question to you, my nonjudgmental readers, is it ever too late to apologize? i mean to really truly apologize. a heartfelt, i'm sorry to have been such a horrible friend and i hope you are happy apology? again, is it to relieve my guilt. perhaps. wuold hearing from me make him feel better? not sure. the last time we spoke, i believed he cried, which made me feel awful and awkward. i don't know what to say or how to act when guys cry. it is like when i am standing at a party where i don't know anyone. do i hold a drink? do i keep my hands in my pockets? i just don't know.

if i am being selfish, then i apologize. i don't think i will ever regain my friendship with jake. no more jokes about cthulu. or making fun of the drama geeks. creating new RPGs. i guess in the end, even when the relationship is over, the friendship is what i miss the most. i miss my friend and not just "jake" but my friends of long time past. however, in true pearl spirit, i just don't have the energy or motivation to restart these friendships.

and they probably don't want to restart them as well. they know they would just be fodder for my comic.

all this thinking is due to me watching that movie, 500 days of summer. it got me thinking about how i have ended relationships. all not always as clean cut as i draw them. it's easy when i draw these heartbreaks. the paper and pen don't argue or yell back.

it's not as if i am gonna make a list of dudes i wanna say sorry and mend their wounds. good god, what a short and depressing list!

what i am saying is, to apologize to jake would allow me to be back "in" with some dear friends from college, but at the same time. it wasn't about sides, but they chose his, so why bother. i've never really a lot of friends, so i don't need them and frankly, i am not sure i want to be friends with them again. but i do feel bad about jake and i feel he held me up in a good light and i'd like him to remember me fondly and not as a disappointment.

for now, i will just keep my glasses on and hide behind my books. time heals all wounds. it also makes you forget the bad stuff. but, it makes you forget the good stuff too.

16 comments:

Mark Schoneveld said...

It's never too late to apologize! :) I've done it with several ex's and it always feels great to them and to me.

smoking_robot said...

dont apologize, Pearl, it'll come across as you trying to rid yourself of your guilty feelings.

trussmeonthisone.

If he was that in to you, enough where he couldnt handle being friends, enough where he just up and cut you out of his life - there's only 1 thing he'll ever want to hear you say, unfortunately its not "I'm sorry".

smoking_robot said...

diametrically opposed responses!
this could spark some discussion...

while im all for apologies, and i too have given my fair share of them, i know there is exactly one situation where an individuals apology would mean absolutely nothing to me and i'd probably judge it as exactly a situation of "wanting to shed one's guilt".

im sure there are other applicable situations as well.

i also like holding grudges.

Anonymous said...

There's only been one person in my life that I truly wanted to apologize to.

Oddly, I invariably think of an old episode of Ally McBeal where the little guy finally professes his love to Ally. There's no way she can adequately respond to this--she's already in a relationship. Her anger surprises him.

"You only say this now because you are selfish. This can serve no one but you," she says.

I can't remember what his reply was, but it was enough for me. I never tried to apologize.

My apology would be honest and straightforward, certainly full of fear. But would it only be for selfish reasons?

The internet would allow this apology, facilitate it, but alas, it won't predict the outcome. The fear remains, the desire remains.

I guess an apology is only a step, and not a means to an end. 50% given, 50% received. Scary.

Ironically, you are the one to which I have always wanted to apologize.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I enjoy reading them.

pearly said...

thanks for all your comments and insight. for me, i do not know if an apology would change anything. doesn't time heal all wounds?

Anonymous said...

To apologize in hopes of forgiveness, is that a selfish act? As acknowledgement of mistakes and heartbreak? For closure and rest? To heal old wounds. I would like that, certainly, if I knew it would work.

I'm not sure an apology can be wrapped in one paper. To everyone who receives it--or gives it for that matter--it will mean someone different.

Maybe it's Capt Needa syndrome that makes them scary.

How would one go about apologizing outside of this strange little comment box?

pearly said...

what do you need to apologize for and to whom? i think perhaps just knowing that you are sorry may be the only satisfaction sometimes.

Steven Brown said...

To you!

pearly said...

How do I know this is steve brown? Blast from the past. The internet is a small world.

Steven Brown said...

I was trying to think of something pithy to say here, but I got nothing.

But I do have a tie-dyed shirt that says glide on it.

And I know you more as a bass player than a fiddle player.

pearly said...

What's your email steve? Talking through a comment box is cumbersome.

Steven Brown said...

steven (dot) brown (at) gmail (dot) com

pearly said...

sorry readers, nothing further from the elusive steve brown. i am not sure if he wanted to apologize further or at all. he never said why he was sorry. this is how i would have known if this was really him.

i will keep you all posted.

Steven Brown said...

What what now? My email address counted, yes? I'd like to withhold the contents of my apology to a non-comment-box like setting.

pearly said...

Update: I got an apology. Years later, but it's never too late to say sorry right, readers? I suppose it makes the person who says I'm sorry feel relief and a weight lifted? Everybody gets their heart broken and everybody heals. For me, hearing from a past boyfriend was a surprise, especially if they broke up with me. Funny thing about forgiveness is that it is easy to forgive when you're happy with your life.

pearly said...

Update: I got an apology. Years later, but it's never too late to say sorry right, readers? I suppose it makes the person who says I'm sorry feel relief and a weight lifted? Everybody gets their heart broken and everybody heals. For me, hearing from a past boyfriend was a surprise, especially if they broke up with me. Funny thing about forgiveness is that it is easy to forgive when you're happy with your life.