deep thoughts

as you all know, if you keep up, i draw comics depicting breakups, heartaches, but it seems, never love. perhaps depicting true love in a comic is hard. perhaps it is easier to draw from heartache and sadness. for me, it is easier to share my broken heart to everyone since everyone has had their heart broken. this isn't as personal to me as falling in love since not everyone gets the opportunity to fall in love. or perhaps i have more stories to share about heartache than i do love, who knows.

awhile back, i wrote about how i used to date this guy jake. a long time ago. he did nothing wrong. i just "fell" out of love with him. then, i wasn't even sure if i even loved him. horrible, i know. we tried to stay friends, but it didn't work. he couldn't handle being friends with me. he would drive 3 hours to meet me for coffee and i would babble about my career and who i was seeing, not seeing how his face drop and how heart would break. i was obtuse. i guess i felt as if my happy chatter would block out the sound of his ripping heart. all in all, our close friendship ended. abruptly. he just simply one day called me to let me know that he was not going to be in my life. i joked back since i could not believe him. what?! we have been friends for years. how could he say this? how could he mean this? not once thinking about how he must have felt for the past 10 years.

my question to you, my nonjudgmental readers, is it ever too late to apologize? i mean to really truly apologize. a heartfelt, i'm sorry to have been such a horrible friend and i hope you are happy apology? again, is it to relieve my guilt. perhaps. wuold hearing from me make him feel better? not sure. the last time we spoke, i believed he cried, which made me feel awful and awkward. i don't know what to say or how to act when guys cry. it is like when i am standing at a party where i don't know anyone. do i hold a drink? do i keep my hands in my pockets? i just don't know.

if i am being selfish, then i apologize. i don't think i will ever regain my friendship with jake. no more jokes about cthulu. or making fun of the drama geeks. creating new RPGs. i guess in the end, even when the relationship is over, the friendship is what i miss the most. i miss my friend and not just "jake" but my friends of long time past. however, in true pearl spirit, i just don't have the energy or motivation to restart these friendships.

and they probably don't want to restart them as well. they know they would just be fodder for my comic.

all this thinking is due to me watching that movie, 500 days of summer. it got me thinking about how i have ended relationships. all not always as clean cut as i draw them. it's easy when i draw these heartbreaks. the paper and pen don't argue or yell back.

it's not as if i am gonna make a list of dudes i wanna say sorry and mend their wounds. good god, what a short and depressing list!

what i am saying is, to apologize to jake would allow me to be back "in" with some dear friends from college, but at the same time. it wasn't about sides, but they chose his, so why bother. i've never really a lot of friends, so i don't need them and frankly, i am not sure i want to be friends with them again. but i do feel bad about jake and i feel he held me up in a good light and i'd like him to remember me fondly and not as a disappointment.

for now, i will just keep my glasses on and hide behind my books. time heals all wounds. it also makes you forget the bad stuff. but, it makes you forget the good stuff too.